Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
