On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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