my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it glows. i had to have it.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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