I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
