Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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