saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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