I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
