when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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