I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
its not stalking. its research.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize