I puked a lego.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
