I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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