my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
