he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
