hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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