I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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