i love accidental penises.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
