You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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