Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
