I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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