Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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