ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
