why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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