I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
God, I missed his penis.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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