In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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