He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
