Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
