I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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