I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
