My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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