i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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