Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
