If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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