he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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