If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
