the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
