Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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