You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
