my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
