I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
