During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
