She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
