I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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