Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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