i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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