Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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