he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You can't just leave with hair like that
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
