ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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