I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
