He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
