My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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