16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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