I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
