Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
