I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
