why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
