If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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